Find me, love.

I love you very much. Despite our lack of blood relations, it is our similarities that bind us together, and our status as mentor and disciple. I owe you so much, more than I can ever repay. For teaching me, for looking after me, for carrying me home after all those drunken nights, for sitting next to me while I cry… Thank you brother.

.

But. There is only so much emotional and verbal abuse that I can endure from you. I cannot help you if you refuse to help yourself. I cannot be your friend and your sister if you refuse to let me. I am not just a number to call when you’re drunk and angry and need to let out steam. I am not someone you regard as a sister only when you’re happy. 

You cannot keep cutting me up with your words and your actions. I do not deserve this bullshit. Despite all my failures, I do not deserve your treatment of me. 

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Brother, I don’t know how long more I can hold on before I snap. Please find it in yourself to remember that you do have friends. We do love you, and we do wish for your happiness. 

I love you brother, friend, and mentor. You will always be my shifu and my kor. Please stop the abuse.

x

Tine

Things I would like my 21 year old self to remember:

Be hungry, not overly eager.

Be more observant.

Don’t lose your humility.

Take a break when you need it.

There will never be a shortage of things to learn.

Don’t let pride get in the way of asking for help.

Sometimes, you have to suck it up.

Sometimes, you have to fight back.

Sometimes, your peace of mind is more important than how much you earn.

.

You deserve better.

You deserve to be loved.

Let go when it’s time.

It’s okay to cry.

It’s okay to hurt.

It’s okay to get your heart broken.

There’s no guilt in moving on.

There’s no shame in losing.

Drop the ones who are dragging you down.

You deserve better friends.

Keep the ones who matter close.

.

Don’t lose faith.

Don’t lose hope.

Life isn’t always easy.

But it’s still worth trying for.

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You are beautiful. 

And special.

And smart.

Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Not even yourself.

xx

Tine.

Two years later. Has it really been this long? 

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Your memory lingers in my mind. Some days I remember, and it hurts me. Other days, I forget. Of late, I seem to be forgetting. For that, I apologize. I probably will forget more often, as we continue with our lives, but I just wanted you to know that you can never be truly forgotten. Your passing, is a constant reminder for me to keep living, to keep fighting. 

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It’s been two years. I hope you’ve found your peace. I pray you’ve found your happiness. The sun is shining for you today. It is a reminder of how beautiful you are.

xx

Tine

For remembering, for caring, for making me laugh… thank you. I do not say this often enough to the people who matter, but I do love you. Thank you for always looking out for me.

xx.